Wanting it all. Having it all....and being scared.
WTF. I have everything I could ever want and more. Why the hell am I running?
So I decided to write a book at the end of last year. I secured a very interested publisher and got the feedback from the publishing committee that they loved me and my ideas--but that I needed to blog more if I wanted to sell books. So what did I do? I stopped blogging altogether. For months you haven't heard a peep out of me. Why? *Sigh* So many reasons... Here are some bullet points of introspection since I love them so much (the bullet points, not the introspection);
I don't like being told what I should do. What the heck? I know---as someone that coaches people, I've really shied away from having true mentors my entire life. I HATE being told how to live my life. Someone I admired once told me to never leave DC or I'd end my career. What did I do? I immediately sold everyone I owned, bought a yacht and moved to San Diego. (Spoiler alert- my career thrived). I just have a clear problem with authority--I really want to make it my own way or no way. I am independent to a fault-- all advice welcome on how to phase that resistance for advice out of my world view!
I also stopped blogging because I leaned into my personal life for the first time...ever. At the end of 2020, I also decided that I would be thoughtful about who I let into my personal life--I wanted to be truly intentional about love in a way that I never had. In the first days of 2021 I made my "list" and I hoped it would guide me to find someone great. Spoiler alert again: He made himself present not even 3 days after said list was completed and spoken aloud to the universe. I believe in abundance, but this one really hit me hard. I was smitten...and also scared. I stopped blogging to focus on my personal life, and honestly--sometimes I need to have space, time and sit with my feelings to do my best blogging. I also paused everything to make sure sh*t was real. Oh, and then I also tried to run. I will save that story for another day...
At the end of the day, being known as a fearless person and feeling pretty fearless, I realized that I was actually just pretty scared. I am just really great at facades. What happens if I write the book and it bombs? What happens if I love fearlessly, yet get hurt?
But then I thought about it all morning. What happens if I write the book and it is OK, or even better than that--people love it. And what happens if I love fearlessly, and I am loved back. And I truly have a partner I have wanted and deserve. Oh my--the pure shock of losing control and having it work out really has me SHOOK this morning. So much, that I was inspired to blog again. The fear lives here, but it isn't going to stop me today. One foot in front of the other.
So here you have it, dear publisher and friends, my first blog back. I feel rusty. It isn't perfect. I need to stretch and think some more. And now that I've open the flood gates, I have a lot more to say. Stay tuned...